Dating is the only human activity where you can be technically single, emotionally committed, and completely untethered from reality all at the same time. But what exactly is it? Is it a biological imperative? A social construct? Or just a very expensive way to get to know a stranger? It’s time to define the terms of engagement.
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What Is Dating?
Dating is the act of trying to behave romantically while pretending not to be performing. It usually begins with two people exchanging jokes, playlists, and micro-traumas until one develops hope.
In earlier civilizations, dating was known as courtship and was accompanied by letters, chaperones, and tuberculosis. Today, it mostly involves screenshots, quiet panic, and one person saying “haha yeah totally” to something that isn’t funny.
Experts define dating as a transitional state between single and emotional support human, lasting anywhere from three hours to the rest of your life. It is both the search for connection and the inability to explain it to your parents without using air quotes.
If you’re wondering whether you’re dating someone, you probably are, but possibly not the same person they are.
Signs You Might Be Dating
You might think you’ll know when you’re dating someone, but dating rarely announces itself. It seeps in gradually, like mold or attachment.
If you’ve spent more than three consecutive evenings “hanging out,” congratulations, you’re either dating or squatting in each other’s free time.
If you’ve met their friends, you’re dating.
If you’ve met their pet, you’re engaged.
Other common indicators include:
- You text each other good morning, good night, and “lol sorry I fell asleep” as though operating a small customer service line.
- You both say “no pressure” in tones that suggest immense pressure.
- You’ve discussed hypothetical travel plans that will never occur but somehow feel legally binding.
- You talk about them like everyone already knows who they are.
If any of this feels familiar, it’s safe to assume you’re dating, unless they tell you otherwise, in which case you’re “just hanging out,” a liminal purgatory where hope goes to jog in place.
The Five Official Types of Modern Dating
There are now more types of dating than there are actual relationships, which is convenient because it gives everyone a precise category to misunderstand. Experts have identified five dominant species currently roaming the emotional landscape:
1. Casual Dating
A relaxed, low-pressure arrangement in which both parties maintain the illusion that they’re fine with that. Not unlike playing a game of chicken while feigning indifference and refreshing read receipts.
2. Exclusive Dating
Casual dating that survived one awkward dinner conversation. Generally confirmed through mutual app deletion, followed by a ceremonial sigh and a wave of anxiety.
3. Situationships
Two people agreeing not to define their connection so it can exist in a sacred state of inertia. Each half of the non-couple is fiercely committed to not committing, a shared strategy best summarized as, “It can’t see us if we don’t move.”
4. Pre-Dating
Somehow still classified as a type of dating even though it occurs before actually dating, pre-dating typically involves exchanging so many messages that at least one party becomes someone’s person without ever touching another human being. Has been known to spontaneously end when the chat archives itself out of exhaustion.
5. Post-Dating
A modern innovation where you maintain constant contact with your ex because it “didn’t end badly.” This allows you to feel evolved while reliving the breakup in weekly installments. Post-dating is also known as “forever.”
If you’re unsure which category you fall into, experts recommend asking directly, then interpreting their answer in whichever way feels most romantic.
Let’s Talk About “The Talk”
At some point, one of you will feel an overwhelming urge to define the relationship. This moment can be recognized by a sudden change in breathing patterns, prolonged eye contact, or a text that begins, “Can we talk?”
The Talk is a high-stakes diplomatic summit between two nations who share borders, playlists, and mild panic. It is traditionally held after one party realizes they’ve been monogamous for weeks without official approval.
To prepare:
- Practice saying “I just want to know where this is going” in a tone that implies you don’t care where this is going.
- Rehearse several neutral facial expressions for when they respond with, “I’m just seeing where things go.”
- Hydrate.
During the conversation, you’ll both insist you value “communication,” then spend the next several minutes weaponizing ambiguity. Common phrases include:
- “Who even needs labels?”
- “I’m just going with the flow.”
- “I like what we have.”
Each roughly translates to “I’m not ready to quit other people.”
If you manage to survive The Talk, congratulations, you’re officially dating, or you’ve just broken up. Either way, update your relationship status to “pending review.”
The 3-3-3 Rule and Other Arbitrary Dating Guidelines
In an effort to make dating more efficient, the internet has invented several numerical systems designed to turn longing into math.
The 3-3-3 Rule suggests three dates to gauge attraction, three weeks to imagine a future, and three months to finalize the performance review. The 2-2-2 Rule insists couples go on a date every two weeks, take a weekend away every two months, and experience an existential crisis every two years.
These formulas exist to provide comfort, a sense that love can be scheduled like car maintenance.
There’s also the 5-5-5 Rule, which no one remembers but everyone agrees sounds balanced.
These formulas exist to provide comfort, a sense that love can be scheduled like car maintenance. If your relationship fails, it’s not a compatibility issue, it’s simply because you missed a rotation.
Experts advise not to overthink it. Most lasting couples didn’t follow any rules at all, they just happened to be bad at breaking up at the same time.
Common Dating Mistakes
Even the most well-intentioned daters make mistakes, usually some combination of the following, in an endless loop, until marriage or enlightenment.
Mistake #1: Confusing Vibes With Compatibility
Just because someone laughs at your jokes doesn’t mean they’re into you. Sometimes they’re just polite. Sometimes you’re just loud.
Mistake #2: Trying to Appear “Chill”
“Chill” is not a personality; it’s a cry for help disguised as body language. If you find yourself saying “no worries” after being ghosted, congratulations, you’re now haunting yourself.
Mistake #3: Texting Like It’s a Job
If your relationship relies on paragraph-length updates and reaction emojis, you might not be dating, you might be running a daily self-worth newsletter with exactly two subscribers.
Mistake #4: Dating the Idea, Not the Person
Liking someone because they own throw pillows is not attraction, it’s IKEA-based projection. That’s dating the idea of being the kind of person who dates someone with throw pillows.
Mistake #5: Asking Friends for Advice
No one in your life knows what they’re doing either. They’re just better at sounding certain while typing “idk maybe just be honest?”
Ultimately, the biggest dating mistake is assuming there’s a right way to do it. There isn’t. There’s only “still happening” and “just ended,” and both look identical in the group chat until further notice.
What Experts Say
Experts agree that dating is complicated. Especially the experts we consulted, none of whom seemed to be dating anyone. Their qualifications include master’s degrees, expired therapy licenses, and one guy named Brad who “just has really good instincts.”
According to Dr. Amelia Kerrington, a relationship psychologist who once cried in a Spirit Airlines boarding line, “Dating is about communication.” She later clarified, “Though ideally not the kind where you have to talk.”
Sociologist Daniel Wu defines modern dating as “a series of optimistic misunderstandings connected by apps.” When asked to elaborate, he said, “Sorry, I thought this was off the record.”
And love coach Taryn from TikTok reminds followers that “the universe gives you what you’re ready for,” which is why she’s currently dating Mercury in retrograde.
Brad adds, “Do you guys think you could give me Taryn’s number?”
Across all findings, experts agree on one key takeaway: everyone is right, and everyone is wrong.
So while professional consensus remains elusive, the data suggests that if you’re asking “What is dating?”, you’re already somehow doing it. Possibly with someone who just texted, “hey, you up?” in lowercase at 1:47 a.m.
In Summary, Dating Is…
Every dating experience hovers between hope and hazard, a Schrödinger’s relationship you can only collapse by asking, “So, what are we?” It’s either going great or ending any second.
If it’s going well, you’ll feel dizzy, inspired, and certain you’ve finally cracked the code. If it’s going poorly, you’ll feel dizzy, inspired, and certain you’ve finally cracked the code. The symptoms are identical, only the soundtrack changes.
Dating isn’t a journey toward love so much as an ongoing elective course in relationship improv. You learn a little about others, a lot about yourself, and too much about your texting style under duress.
So what is dating?
It’s the shared delusion that if two people squint hard enough at the same confusion, they can call it connection.
And honestly, sometimes they can.
And if they can’t, they’ll just start a podcast about it.